Happy New Year, everyone!
Whoooooo!

Now that the obligitory happy crappy has been said, time for some
catharsis n. , pl. -ses . Medicine. Purgation, especially for the digestive system. A purifying or figurative cleansing of the emotions, especially.

I'm getting very tired of this feeling in my chest that my heart is in there shucking and jiving in ways that a heart really shouldn't. It steals my breath. Physically, I am perfectly fine. Mentally, I'm a mess. As time passes I have less and less control over my craziness. My docs have repeatedly warned me that my particular issue is a progressive disorder that, left untreated, gets continually worse over time. This worries me beyond measure. Institutions are full to overflowing with people just like me. I have tried to stay ahead of the curve by learning tricks to control and/or hide what's going on, but it's getting harder. The parts of me that I like best watch sadly, imprisoned and disconnected, the barrage of shit fly uncontrollably from my mouth and through my head. I'm weary of thinking and sick to death of the sound of my own voice. Most people don't understand what it's like to truly have zero control over their psyche. I've been told countless times to just snap out of it and have been encouraged that I can "choose" not to be this way. If only that were possible. I've tried. Trust me. Normal people (whatever that is) control their brains. I am controlled completely by the constant staccato sputter and sparks of mine.

It's very difficult to sleep in this state, yet lack of sleep induces ever higher levels of mania. I suppose I'll just have to wait until I completely run my batteries dry, which is bound to happen soon. I have been very tempted lately to go back to the doctor, but know too well that the few choices they offer aren't really options at all. I can't bring myself to sell my soul to make this chatter stop. The state of mind that meds have to offer is even uglier than this stupid whizzing and whirling. Maybe one day they will be the lesser of the two evils, but not right now. Not yet.

A couple of friends and I had a discussion about self-confidence last night. I woke up thinking about it. I have no perspective whatsoever on what it must feel like to just be "okay" with myself. That concept is as alien to me as what it might be like to see through the eyes of a dog or a bird - thinking their thoughts and processing the world as they do. Don't get me wrong....there are a great many beautiful things about me that I like just fine. It's when you put all the pieces together that the puzzle starts to look screwed up and looking at it becomes uncomfortable. Cram too many lovely roses into a vase and it starts to look tacky. Add some thorns and ugly, stinky carnations to the mix and you have a real mess. Sigh.

The utter self-absorption that is the bonus prize that goes hand in hand with the gift of mania isn't so great for one's self-esteem, either. When you cannot get out of your own head, it's almost impossible to be a good mother, wife, or friend. Knowing you often suck at the most important thing in life - loving others - is surely not good for boosting the feeling of self-love. Who in their right mind can tolerate for very long someone who constantly bounces between smirking grandiosity and self-flagellation? The ending of my last relationship says it best...sitting on concrete steps, head in trembling hands, tears quietly rolling, he said "I love you with all my heart and I always will. But you've completely worn me out."


Peace.
Love.
Serenity.

Excitement.
Passion.
Intensity.

My perfect self would have roughly equal measures of both the above attribute trios. I can see so clearly in my mind how awesome I could be (if only...) Have fun pie charting yourself, your friends, sometimes even people you barely know! Certain people simply ooze one list or the other out of every pore in their being. Other people have really well-constructed facades and it takes awhile to figure out what's going on underneath. Very few of us are well-balanced, the fact of which helps me go a little easier on myself. I love thinking about people....we are such an interesting species!