I'm definitely in a manic phase.
You'd think I would recognize this coming on after so many years of dealing with my shifting moods, but I'm stunned each and every time I realize that my antsy, eager, fun-loving state amounts to no more than the pleasant but short-lived coming on of craziness. It's so strange that after 20 years of living with my brain that I still have trouble accepting the fact that the doctors are right and I really do have an "issue." I spend so much of my time using logic to control my moods (usually with a better degree of success than any med I've ever been on) that when I get to a place in my head that I can't get out of I'm always taken my surprise.


Last night I:

Drank a bunch of wine and remained pretty much unaffected (another symptom of mania - I feel no buzz till I hit the floor.)

Roasted a chicken.

Took a handful of herbal relaxants and was knocked into a coma, only to emerge a couple of hours later full of piss and vinegar once again.

Thought about a million thoughts and fantasized about a million different things.

Made my poor husband go through the alphabet playing the word game with me in the wee hours of the morning. A-Z all the attributes that describe me and then A-Z all the attributes that do not. Then I played the game alone, first using him and several other people I know as the subjects of the game, and then inventing two imaginary people: One the crappiest person I could imagine, the other the finest. This actually kept me occupied until I was able to doze for an hour or two (before the alarm went off and I woke up freezing to death.)

Deleted every one of the thousands of albums on my hard drive.
I am SO ANGRY WITH MYSELF this morning. It seemed like such a good idea until they were irretrievably gone. I felt overwhelmed with the sheer volume of stuff I had that I started getting nervous, so I decided to "start fresh." I am a compulsive fresh-starter, as a matter of fact. I once took my entire closet to Goodwill because I felt like starting over on my wardrobe. I have gotten rid of thousands of my treasured books because I wanted to start my collection over again. This is probably the fiftieth edition of my Blog (which will likely one day vanish as I pursue yet another fresh start.) And this is at least the third time I've dumped my entire hard drive. I am so, so stupid. What on earth goes through my head?