this is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time ~ fight club


I called in depressed to work today. Of course I said I was sick - which I am - but in that different kind of way that employers won't admit to understanding, despite the fact that they've most likely made the same weary call themselves from time to time....

I am drinking wine at 11:45 AM, which is a record for me (if you don't count the day of the Grateful Dead show many years ago when a dear friend and I cracked a bottle at daybreak.)

I am tired of being the kind of girl who pursues pleasure as a vocation.
I am tired of always being broke because of the above.
I am tired of completely wearing out everyone who dares to love me.
I am tired of Christmas Music. Good Lord, am I tired of Christmas Music.
I am tired of being bored and dissatisfied.
I am tired of lacking the motivation to handle the fact that I've gotten quite fat.
I am tired of the voice in my head that tells me how shitty I am 17+ hours a day.
I am tired of people I care for being diagnosed with cancer.
I am tired of getting old (already...wow...)
I am tired of sailing a sinking ship.
I am tired of being self-absorbed.
I am tired of my mind not working right.
I am tired of not being able to do anything about the fact that my mind doesn't work right.
I am tired of Layne Staley and my papaw being dead.
I am tired of drinking and never getting "there."


I've spent my day listening to songs on my hard drive that begin with the letter "C." I've been listening for the last 3 hours. So far, the best of these are:

Camel - Flying Lotus
Caroline Says II - Lou Reed
Caroline's Fingers - Cocteau Twins
Cartwheels - Patti Smith
Cato as a Pun - Of Montreal
Cause Cheap is How I Feel - Cowboy Junkies
Chuy - Bunky

These truly great songs constitute 26.3 minutes worth of play (almost 15%.) Which leaves 153.7 mins (just over 85%) worth of other songs I waded through to get to the good stuff. This is the problem with music in general....even among bands that are the best of their collective genres, most songs are adequate at best.

Add to this the fact that I deleted 55.12 minutes of truly sucky songs - those that were so awful that a second listen was impossible. (This is a disheartening nearly 31%!) This means that even among GOOD bands, there are over twice as many suck-ass songs as there are good ones.

This leaves 98.58 minutes (or almost 55%) of "just okay."

I honestly believe that this ratio can directly relate to everything else in our lives. TV. Books. Relationships. Work. Everything. This formula (fact) should be taught in every elementary school so that our precious, idealistic kids don't get the wrong idea about what to expect from life, thus turning them into the same cynical, disillusioned adults their parents have come to be.