Hee hee...I'm back.
Feeling lots of things today.

My thoughts, moods, and feelings are coming and going quite randomly. This is normal for me. Today I've been alternating between feeling hopeful, peaceful, worried, horny, nervous, sad, bored, and excited.

For some reason, everything that goes through my head has a feeling to go along with it. Rarely can I simply think about something and have the thought arrive in my head alone. My thoughts always come dragging an emotional state behind them. I don't like this much of the time, but cannot seem to help it. Telling myself not to think negative things is like telling a toddler to color between the lines. Pointless.

The way my brain works is undoubtedly the reason why I devote my life so wholeheartedly to the pursuit of fun. When I am engaged in some joyful activity, the worry, sadness, regret, and fear cannot put their bony grasp around my mind. However, I know those awful thoughts/feelings are always there - waiting in the wings to grab ahold of me the second they get the chance.

And so I live my life running...

I am fuzzy and dazed.
Dreamlike.
Devoid of all feeling.
Blank.

Feels as if I've misplaced the thing inside that makes my eyes sparkle.
My smile is but a ghost.
Is there anything for me to drink, smoke, or swallow that will return me to the land of the living?

For now, I have punched the clock and gone home to that place in my head where no one else can reach. It is a gray place. Dim. As if the pause button has been hit on my very soul...

I hope I'll be back soon.

Current Playlist:

City in the South - Tara Jane O'Neil
Gentleman Caller - Cursive
Message from Our Sponsor - Legendary Pink Dots
A Ribbon - Devendra Banhart
Spy in the Cab - Bauhaus
Abattoir Blues - Nick Cave
Aeroplane Blues - Black Keys
Ain't Gonna Rain Anymore - Nick Cave
Alice Practice - Crystal Castles
American Woman - Butthole Surfers

These have been strange days...
I continue to bounce between a contemplative space of thinkage and trying madly to fill up the hours so I don't have to contemplate or think. All in all, I think I'm okay. I feel everything with great intensity, but I'm quick to heal. Freedom is often lonely. The price of love is pain. Without hope there is no future. Stay away from the moldy mushrooms. Remember when you eat chicken that it used to be a chicken. What goes up must come down.

I can't talk anymore.

Everything that's in my life and in my head right now can't be written about, despite the fact that only a very few people even know this blog exists.
So much is going on. Some of it I understand, some of it I don't. Some of it makes me happy, some of it makes me want to break down and never stop crying.

Fortunately, my mind is in a surprisingly peaceful, contemplative spot.
I think - given some time - I will figure things out. How long does it take to understand the workings of your own heart once you've spent so many years trying to control it's very beating?

Call me or come by for a beer if anyone wants details.
You won't get them here. This blog will have to be vague and trivial for awhile while I wrestle some very big shit. Bear with me, please...