My heart is breaking.
God, it hurts so bad.

If there are words to describe what's inside me right now, they are completely out of my reach. Today is my birthday and I have rarely in my life felt so alone. I have so many, many things to be grateful for, but still I am

hollow...
bored...
frustrated...
passionless...
lonely...
depressed...
aching...
dying...

I could be scandalous and forthcoming with the details of my pain, but there's no need to send my black tentacles of discontent and misery into the lives, hearts, and minds of the friends who actually like me enough to read this (and who I like enough to allow to.) I am making (yet another) doctor's appointment today and will beg for the medicine that will most effectively render me emotionless. I have fought tooth and nail for years and years against the drugs that would steal my fire and passion. Now I find myself more than willing, eager actually, to hand over everything I am - my exuberance, my agony, my joy, my lust, my hope, my blinding light, my love, and my suffocating blackness. Fuck fire. Fuck passion. Fuck feeling. I just desperately want to be numb.