I'm definitely in a manic phase.
You'd think I would recognize this coming on after so many years of dealing with my shifting moods, but I'm stunned each and every time I realize that my antsy, eager, fun-loving state amounts to no more than the pleasant but short-lived coming on of craziness. It's so strange that after 20 years of living with my brain that I still have trouble accepting the fact that the doctors are right and I really do have an "issue." I spend so much of my time using logic to control my moods (usually with a better degree of success than any med I've ever been on) that when I get to a place in my head that I can't get out of I'm always taken my surprise.


Last night I:

Drank a bunch of wine and remained pretty much unaffected (another symptom of mania - I feel no buzz till I hit the floor.)

Roasted a chicken.

Took a handful of herbal relaxants and was knocked into a coma, only to emerge a couple of hours later full of piss and vinegar once again.

Thought about a million thoughts and fantasized about a million different things.

Made my poor husband go through the alphabet playing the word game with me in the wee hours of the morning. A-Z all the attributes that describe me and then A-Z all the attributes that do not. Then I played the game alone, first using him and several other people I know as the subjects of the game, and then inventing two imaginary people: One the crappiest person I could imagine, the other the finest. This actually kept me occupied until I was able to doze for an hour or two (before the alarm went off and I woke up freezing to death.)

Deleted every one of the thousands of albums on my hard drive.
I am SO ANGRY WITH MYSELF this morning. It seemed like such a good idea until they were irretrievably gone. I felt overwhelmed with the sheer volume of stuff I had that I started getting nervous, so I decided to "start fresh." I am a compulsive fresh-starter, as a matter of fact. I once took my entire closet to Goodwill because I felt like starting over on my wardrobe. I have gotten rid of thousands of my treasured books because I wanted to start my collection over again. This is probably the fiftieth edition of my Blog (which will likely one day vanish as I pursue yet another fresh start.) And this is at least the third time I've dumped my entire hard drive. I am so, so stupid. What on earth goes through my head?

militant, beheading, burning, control
jihad, deteriorating, offensive
force, worrisome, tension, attack
dangerous, suicide, fears
unsafe, infect, frustration
corpse, killed, decimated


Here are just a few words I pulled from a cursory glance at today's world news.

Our world has been going to hell in a handbasket for as long as I can remember, but these days the state of things has gotten so bad that people simply cannot bring themselves to care. We rarely even make small talk about the countless daily worldwide tragedies...we just grip our glasses or smokes or pipes (or all three)a little tighter. We ignore, because to care is to go insane with our inability to stop this runaway train. We build our nests a little bigger, shinier, more comfortable, insulating ourselves from the horror outside. We swallow things, go places, play games, talk, fight, screw, sleep.....all to make the smiles come a little easier. We laugh to keep from screaming. We run fast, faster, faster to keep from falling on our faces, knowing that each day is lived one stumble away from the kind of collapse that may snap our minds completely.


Soundtrack for this afternoon:
Nick Cave
Cat Power

Ants in my pants.
Ants in my pants.
Ants in my pants.

There's a fine line that divides exuberant and frantic.
Today I've crossed that line.

I'm the motherflippin' rhymenocerous...

Things I like about today:

This beautiful rainy weather.
Having absolutely nothing that I "have" to do!
My bed. My wonderful bed.
The book in the picture....best thing I've read all year.
McDonald's sweet tea. I hate admitting this, but it's great.
Having my whole body scratched with a fork (every nerve comes alive, I promise.)
The fact that I'm not hungover in spite of drinking a bunch last night.
My big black dog who is the best snuggler on earth.
Being dirty (literally, no bath for me today!) and running around half-dressed.
Mint Chocolate Cookie ice cream (I eat junk the day after drinking alot. Always.)
Deangelo Williams. He is a joy.


Things I don't like about today:

I have a little stomach ache.
Dreading work tomorrow (I'm such a lover of leisure...it's pathetic.)
Feeling fat because I ate too much junk.
My dad called & he makes me uncomfortable.
One of my good friends' grandmother died...I am very sad for him.
Rainy weather brings filthy, muddy doggy footprints all over the house.

PS: The ad that keeps playing for Carson Daley's New Years Eve celebration is just a nightmare. The bands couldn't be any worse, and I hate, hate, hate Carson Daley (is that even how you spell the idiot's name?) I wouldn't watch that crap unless I was paid handsomely and then would likely retch the whole way through. It doesn't matter anyway....I can't remember the last time I watched TV on New Year's Eve. Great music, friends, and champagne is more my speed for this particular holiday.

PSS: I despise Faith Hill and that football song she sings before the 8 o'clock game is completely retarded. I hope Joan Jett is getting paid, but I am upset at her for selling out the only good song she ever wrote. (Her only other worthwhile song is "Crimson and Clover," which is a cover.) I wanted to look like Joan Jett when I was a little girl. I guess in a way, in a certain light, if you squint your eyes a little, I sort of do....sometimes.

I am so excited!
I know the answer to my relationship dilemma from three posts ago!
I am damaged and strange and thus I attract others who are damaged and strange!

Damaged, strange people behave in bizarre ways that cannot always be predicted, therefore you cannot expect them to always play nice. It's a little like opening a dog park just for rescues....the fear-aggression, pissing on one other, and confusion about just where they fit into the pack would be rampant. This is the situation of my life and my friends. We are not your typical nice, normal people (though we are certainly are nice) who play by the rules like good sheep.

The fact that I very rarely find myself embroiled in altercations with others stems directly from my crushingly sensitive sense of empathy. The mere thought of hurting someone horrifies me, therefore any pain I cause others is completely accidental (with the exception of my husband, who seems to be my go-to-guy when I get in a shitty mood....thanks, honey.) I am very good to my friends. I love people - in spite of most of their flaws - with great devotion and deep investment.

That said, I am stubborn beyond reason and have no capacity to tolerate being treated disrespectfully. My empathy ends abruptly the second I feel mistreated. My thorniest side is my ability to kick to the curb, too quickly, those who do not treat me well (regardless of how much I love them.) It's the self-preservation instinct gone terribly awry. I am indeed one of the rescues in my imaginary dog park. I have great integrity and can be counted on to be kind, honest, generous, and a whole lot more happy horseshit. Just don't make the error of being ugly to me. I am neither tooting my own horn nor denigrating myself....this character assessment is fact and nothing more.

The definition of "good" is a slippery slope.
Maybe the slipperiest slope of all.
I'm both a good (and awful) person. It is in my nature to be unforgiving. I grit my teeth and try to force forgiveness sometimes, but the end result is rarely good. I simply have no capacity to let injustice against me go. And personally, I think my friends who scrap like crazy, act like morons sometimes, but then forgive in an instant have a true advantage over me in the "good person" department.

I just happen to never growl or bite first.

I feel guilty and responsible.
I am an idiot.

I have an old hippie friend who is in his 60's and looks like Jerry Garcia and Santa Claus' love child. He has heart trouble, and I keep expecting him to just keel over dead one fine day (hopefully not while he's eating or drinking in my store.) He loves my cooking and comes in daily for lunch, always choosing the healthiest option in an attempt to thwart the grim reaper. He is a smart man, a good person, and he is very lonely. He is also an alcholic who was told by his doctor that he absolutely cannot drink alcohol or he will die. This is a fact I did not know when I invited him to join our Beer Club a few months ago. As a matter of fact, I cheerfully told him in no uncertain terms that his doctor was out of the loop, that up to two beers a day (for men) has been scientifically proven to be good for ones heart. So....he broke 3 years of sobriety at my urging.

Now, he is Beer Club's most dedicated member and one of my store's best beer-buying customers. He is very much exceeding the 2 drink a day rule I suggested to him, unless he happens to be giving an awful lot of beer away, which I doubt. At our last beer club he spent over 60.00 on beer (even though we gave away 6 generous tastings for free) and drank almost all of it before the night was through.

I cannot express the horror I feel at my piss-poor lack of judgment!
This nice, nice man has been thrown off the wagon by my stupid ass. My big, fat mouth is responsible for potentially hastening his demise and returning him to the drug that almost killed him in the first place. I'm having alot of trouble with the fact that I cannot undo this. I tried talking to him about it, checking in with how he's doing on our 2-a-day guidelines and he brushed me off and said he's having the time of his life (getting drunk alone at home....wheeeee!)

Even one of my probably-alcoholic, party-loving friends (who has shown no desire whatsoever to recover) said that I did a bad, bad thing by getting this poor man drinking again.

My God, what have I done?

Nine people killed by Santa.
A little girl shot in the face as she happily opens the door for "Old Saint Nick."
Three children lost their mother on the most wonderful night of the year (a wonderful night for kids, anyway.) Scores more people remain traumatized beyond my wildest comprehension, some sedated, ignorning the loads of presents that will bring their recipients no happiness this year. I am so very, very sad for the children and family members for whom Christmas will never again be a joyful holiday and instead will bring nightmares and horrible memories and grief for the rest of their lives.

How could this man have done such a thing?
I am a pretty pragmatic girl who honestly understands (but, for the record, doesn't necessarily approve of) the killing of someone you hate. I even understand an occasional killing of someone you love. I understand killing a stranger or two in a moment of confusion (such as in an armed robbery situation.) But spending months plotting the slaughter of a (former) loved one's friends and family members, including children, on Christmas Eve? And choosing to do it dressed like Santa Claus? I just cannot understand this, no matter how many dark and twisted corridors I take my psyche down in search of the tiny grains of sense that can often be found in even the most awful tragedy. I can manifest at least a bit of compassion for many of the world's most depraved serial killers. But I find none for this guy. Not by a mile.

People sometimes behave in ways contrary to the person you thought they were. Often this makes me very sad and disappointed. As cynical as I imagine myself to be, I never fail to be surprised when ugly behavior erupts from the people I've grown to love. I am very fortunate to be very, very rarely the target of anyone's meanness. I am grateful that my friends seem to know that I love them and they respond in kind (mostly.) But to see them go at each other is difficult and it has happened lately more than I would like.

I guess I need to reevaluate my relationships and what part I play in these given situations. Am I stupid for expecting people (who I believe are GOOD people) to be kind to one another, respectful, nonjudgmental, kind in word and deed? My biggest prayer is to have a heart of integrity and genuine kindness that transcends all moments of sobriety, insecurity, drunkenness, sickness, fear, jealousy, and anger.

Jesus asked us simply to love others.
Why do we humans have such a hard time doing that?

this is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time ~ fight club


I called in depressed to work today. Of course I said I was sick - which I am - but in that different kind of way that employers won't admit to understanding, despite the fact that they've most likely made the same weary call themselves from time to time....

I am drinking wine at 11:45 AM, which is a record for me (if you don't count the day of the Grateful Dead show many years ago when a dear friend and I cracked a bottle at daybreak.)

I am tired of being the kind of girl who pursues pleasure as a vocation.
I am tired of always being broke because of the above.
I am tired of completely wearing out everyone who dares to love me.
I am tired of Christmas Music. Good Lord, am I tired of Christmas Music.
I am tired of being bored and dissatisfied.
I am tired of lacking the motivation to handle the fact that I've gotten quite fat.
I am tired of the voice in my head that tells me how shitty I am 17+ hours a day.
I am tired of people I care for being diagnosed with cancer.
I am tired of getting old (already...wow...)
I am tired of sailing a sinking ship.
I am tired of being self-absorbed.
I am tired of my mind not working right.
I am tired of not being able to do anything about the fact that my mind doesn't work right.
I am tired of Layne Staley and my papaw being dead.
I am tired of drinking and never getting "there."


I've spent my day listening to songs on my hard drive that begin with the letter "C." I've been listening for the last 3 hours. So far, the best of these are:

Camel - Flying Lotus
Caroline Says II - Lou Reed
Caroline's Fingers - Cocteau Twins
Cartwheels - Patti Smith
Cato as a Pun - Of Montreal
Cause Cheap is How I Feel - Cowboy Junkies
Chuy - Bunky

These truly great songs constitute 26.3 minutes worth of play (almost 15%.) Which leaves 153.7 mins (just over 85%) worth of other songs I waded through to get to the good stuff. This is the problem with music in general....even among bands that are the best of their collective genres, most songs are adequate at best.

Add to this the fact that I deleted 55.12 minutes of truly sucky songs - those that were so awful that a second listen was impossible. (This is a disheartening nearly 31%!) This means that even among GOOD bands, there are over twice as many suck-ass songs as there are good ones.

This leaves 98.58 minutes (or almost 55%) of "just okay."

I honestly believe that this ratio can directly relate to everything else in our lives. TV. Books. Relationships. Work. Everything. This formula (fact) should be taught in every elementary school so that our precious, idealistic kids don't get the wrong idea about what to expect from life, thus turning them into the same cynical, disillusioned adults their parents have come to be.

Psychiatric Christmas Carols

Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder: We Three Kings Disoriented Are...

Dementia: I'll Be Home For Christmas... Where Do I Live?

Narcissism: Hark! The Herald Angels Sing About Me!

Mania: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and
Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees
and Fire Hydrants and.... We Need More Holly!

Paranoia: Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.

Personality Disorder (Severe Insecurity): You Better Watch Out, I'm
Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why (But If You Loved
Me You Would Know Already).

Depression: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.

Passive-Aggressive Personality: On The First Day of Christmas My
True Love Gave To Me (and then took it all away).

Borderline Personality Disorder: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder: Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells...(better start again)